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fragilefumbling

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(no subject) [Oct. 1st, 2006|02:04 am]
fragilefumbling
I had a really fun time tonight at my sorta-kinda friend's sorta-kinda bachelorette party. However, I have just two things to say:

1. Yes, my girlfriend is younger than me, get the fuck over it.
2. I really like dancing when I'm drunk. I wonder what else I'd be good at if I lost my inhibitions... (standing up for myself, maybe? Maybe I should down a few bottles of sake Monday morning. Can't really be worse...)

Happy October. I love October.
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I HATE HIM [Sep. 29th, 2006|03:44 pm]
fragilefumbling
I am trying to put my feelings right now into words and I need assistance. What do you use when "hate", "rage", "utter loathing", "blind fury", "borderline homicidal" and "preparing to welcome the relief of my approaching catatonic depression" just AREN'T ENOUGH?

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Also, WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I STAND UP FOR MYSELF? The self-loathing is almost worse.
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(no subject) [Sep. 28th, 2006|02:55 pm]
fragilefumbling
[Current Location |where else]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |walk to dublin - tori amos]

Happy birthday Naomi.

***

I've never in my life been the type of person to look back on the past and think, "Boy, things sure were simpler then. I wish I could go back to when life was easier and I could be less of a grownup." I have never been one to relate to that dumbass Avenue Q song about going back to college. There has most certainly been a general upward trend in my level of happiness and success as I've moved through the years, and I would never go back to the drama-filled, confusion-laden, and less liberated days of my high school years, college years, or even my mid-20's. Right now at 28, I know myself better than ever, and in many ways I have everything in the world to look forward to. I have my pick of not just good jobs, but potentially GREAT ones. I have found someone that I want to live with and love for the rest of my life.

But fuck... I'm tired. I am tired, and I would like a break. I want to get off the train at this station for a while so I can catch my breath. Job interviews, publishing manuscripts, preparing to defend my thesis, trying to decide where to go next that will set the best course for the rest of my life... none of that is small potatoes. Not to mention constant tension, every day, with my boss over when I can begin the extrication of my life from his, and all the while he is not paying me because he has no money. I'm holding my breath right now over so many things.

My living situation, as some of you know, is complicated, and I have that on my mind as well. I feel like I'm trying to make so many decisions and plans at once that my brain is going to short circuit. I've been fighting some mild depression these last few weeks... some of it comes from physical illness, since I've had a pretty persistent bug, but a lot of it comes from tension, anticipation, guilt.

I crave family, but two of the most important people in my life don't seem to like each other and I'm squarely in the middle, unable to decide what's best for all of us. (And oddly enough, I'm not talking about my current and my ex girlfriends, even though the three of us live in the same house, cause they get along great.) I'm reaching a breaking point where I may very soon not give a shit about any of it, that maybe the best thing for me is to try not to help anyone.

I have two more interviews lined up and after that it's decision time. I need to spend a week in bed staring at the walls to process it all.

And before that, I need to spend the next month at home, writing. I need to be out of this atmosphere for a while. So. Fucking. Tired.
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(no subject) [Sep. 11th, 2006|12:57 pm]
fragilefumbling
Yeah, I wrote a 9-11 post. I went there.Collapse )
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music and movies and an optimistic tone, for a change [Sep. 4th, 2006|11:37 am]
fragilefumbling
[Current Location |a black futon]
[mood |determineddetermined]
[music |amos lee - freedom]

I never realized I cared about the crocodile hunter guy. How sad. :(

***

I don't know that I've ever been so happy to see the sunlight. The gloomy, rainy, foggy mess that's been our only kind of weather for so long really took a toll on my mood. After recording about 150 cells this weekend, I'm taking today off, and it's nice to know that if I do decide to leave the house I won't be cold and wet for a change.

There is a storm brewing in my lab, however. I am so tired of thinking about it that I don't feel like writing any details, but suffice it to say it's about to become necessary for me to actively fight my PI for a graduation date. I've laid the groundwork and gotten the reassurance that I need from a couple of different places, and I'm so ready for tomorrow. I guess I knew this was coming eventually, that he wasn't going to be reasonable about it - when has he ever been reasonable?

I have an interview next week and then another one Oct. 6th. What a waste of energy when I'm going to end up staying at Columbia. ;)

***

I'm listening to the new Amos Lee album, Supply and Demand. Wow, that man can write beautiful melodies. I very highly recommend it. The next two weeks bring new releases from two old favorites, Jonatha Brooke and Dan Bern. Now that my girlfriend works at the Virgin Megastore I get even more excited about new CDs. Cause they cheaper this way. :P

OK, now for some serious confusion. I hate when the internet confuses me. What the EFF is up with The Painted Veil? Some sites say limited release on December 15th NY/LA - but, but, BUT others, including rottentomatoes.com, say special release for us on Sept. 15th. I would really like to know if I'm going to get to see an Oscar-buzz Naomi Watts movie in less than two weeks. This suspense is killing me, and if it's true I need to know how and where to get tickets, AAGGH.

In any case, whether it's September or December, I have to get back to paying attention to the Oscar race this year. I don't know why I permit myself to get so invested, because honestly it's just unnecessary stress. It ultimately means nothing and these awards are all a political crock of shit. Nonetheless, my hypocritical little self will need to see all the best actress contenders, at least. While I'm on that subject: Attention Cate Blanchett. Just back off. I love you, but... back off. You and your three amazing-looking movies this fall. Just... shhhhhh. (That said, I am peeing-my-pants excited to see Babel. Arriaga + Inarritu + Blanchett = me salivating.)

I am more excited for the NYFF than I have been since 2003 (21 Grams year). They are showing the new David Lynch movie The Inland Empire, and THAT is sure to be an experience. I also chose an anime film called Paprika which looks gorgeous, and Little Children which stars both Kate Winslet and Jennifer Connelly and is brought to you by the In the Bedroom director, for god's sake. a;ldjasdlj!!

Then factor in two Julia Murney-related events and the fact that I'm finally taking Dana home to meet my family... October is going to be a good month.

AND I plan to be writing my thesis. *determined face*
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my girlfriend and my little sister are bonding [Aug. 31st, 2006|03:41 pm]
fragilefumbling
[mood |giddygiddy]
[music |julia murney - she goes (1/31/05)]

(Jackie is 12... so imagine her half of the conversation in purple sparkly font)

dana: people from texas say y'all
jackie: no offense but... EWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
dana: sometimes i accidentally say it
dana: but i get made fun of, so i've tried to stop
jackie: LOL
dana: it slips!!!
jackie: its ok...the first step is to admit you have a problem
dana: what's the next step?
jackie: stop.


dana: the first word i learned how to spell was my name
dana: unfortunately i spelled it in chinese
dana: with a purple crayon
dana: so they all thought i was dumb
jackie: LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLL
dana: i kept a journal in chinese
jackie: i swear you are the funniest person iknow
dana: when i was like, six months old
dana: unfortunately it got burned in a house fire
dana: so i have no proof of this
dana: you just have to trust me
jackie: ok
jackie: i'll take your word for it
jackie: *snickers*


dana: i have decided that you are now my partner in crime
jackie: ok
dana: i will make you a cape as soon as i'm finished with the hamster's diaper
dana: you have to wear it on picture day.
jackie: so can we rob a candy store and i'll make the emblome (the little symbol thing that i cant' spell)
dana: YES
dana: exactly
jackie: ok
dana: are you good at doing graffiti?
jackie: no i've never done it before
dana: oh good, you're a law-abiding citizen
dana: i will teach you the ways of being a gangsta.
jackie: but i sprayed my scooter...it was a lightning bolt
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ouch :( [Aug. 11th, 2006|12:47 am]
fragilefumbling
[Current Location |dana's making faces at me]
[mood |blahblah]
[music |dana's making goat sounds]

I have exhaustion today - couldn't get up. Most of the day, I was too tired to even sit and just laid there. I don't think I have an actual germ-induced illness, I think I'm just rundown. Does this mean I am sick or not? Because, I associate "sick" with "germs". Other members of my household say if I am not feeling well, that is enough to establish my condition as "sick". Opinions? You don't care? Ok.

Because I am me, I was not completely unproductive today. There are still things that can be accomplished while lying in bed too tired to move your limbs much. Get your minds out of the gutter, I'm talking about bootlegs. I've had some requests so I re-uploaded some Julia Murney stuff. I've also made some major progress on some other things people have been waiting for (hi Ava), but for now here's Julia at Birdland and on the GD Wicked tour. L5Y coming soon.

Birdland 2/7/05: http://www.sendspace.com/file/dxanpe
Wicked 3/26/06:http://www.sendspace.com/file/hxu1p8
The Last Five Years: http://www.sendspace.com/file/mu7qzk

Other than that, these are the best things on the internet today:

Thank you, sinful_caesar. Thank you.


And this speaks for itself.



P.S. Lisa... thanks for the goblet. And it's not just a conversation piece, oh no. It's also useful, mainly because Dana broke all the wine glasses.

P.P.S. To a certain member of my FL who shall remain nameless....

... I TOLD YOU it was a date!!
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(no subject) [Aug. 9th, 2006|11:55 am]
fragilefumbling
[mood |sickpost-a little too much vodka]
[music |tan cani - alhoeverah]

Happy birthday irnbruise! Only one year left in your 20's... how did we come to this??

I'm hungover (last night was good times - beer, vodka, tequila, and Harry Potter SceneIt, cause we're wild) and craving pepsi. The pepsi machine downstairs has been sold out since last week's heat wave, so I tried to buy some at the deli on my way here but they only had one and two liter sizes, and I love pepsi but not enough to lug a liter of it to washington heights. So I've settled for coke and I am dissatisfied. Does that have one or two s's?

This weather is gorgeous. Maybe it's just because last week was so utterly hideous, but 80º is feeling like fall.

Now for today's mouse update - last night around 8:30PM I was the only one in the lab, but I left for about 15 minutes to go pick something up in another building and when I came back, there were mouse droppings where there had been none before. Since it is obviously not in the Hamptons, I am renewing my efforts to catch that Sneaky Little Poopy Fucker.

My reignited love for Julia Murney has me thinking about my other life obsession, which is of course Naomi Watts. She has new movies slated - Funny Games and Eastern Promises - and I should start paying attention. While I'm on the subject of Naomi, I'd like to make a special announcement just to tell you sinful_caesar girls THANK YOU for the multitude of incredible and never-seen-by-me pictures lately. I really should get naomi_love up and running again. No time, never enough time.

Speaking of amazing actors, I watched In the Bedroom again a few nights ago. It is an understatement to say that Tom Wilkinson was robbed of an academy award. That has to be one of my favorite performances by an actor, ever. Denzel Washington in Training Day? No. Sorry.

And finally, this is very sad to me:
http://www.nytimes.com/2006/08/08/nyregion/08brew.html?ex=1155268800&en=300b6d0c2127bbdd&ei=5087%0A
In case you have to register or don't feel like clicking, The Latrobe Brewing Company, brewer of Rolling Rock beer, has been bought out and moved to Newark. It was a Western PA thing. Western PA takes pride where it can get it. I wonder if the Rolling Rock Town Fair will be discontinued or moved to the lovely metropolis of Newark, NJ.

I stiiiiillllllllll want Pepsi.
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one of those list-type posts that can be sort of annoying if not done well. [Aug. 8th, 2006|05:39 pm]
fragilefumbling
[Current Location |the usual]
[mood |hungryhungry]
[music |venus in furs - velvet underground]

I haven't seen the lab mouse in days. We think it went to the Hamptons.

I found a grey hair in my head today. I left it rather than pulling it, and you know why? Because I feel like I've earned it.

I have a job interview with the PI from Cold Spring Harbor who called me yesterday on September 13th. Woot.

I saw my classmates yesterday. Two of them got decidedly chubby. Is that age (most of them are over 30 now, I'm the youngin') or sitting around too much in a lab? They uniformly agreed that I would be the next to defend, and are all suffering from varying levels of burnout. They all hate their PIs but agree that mine is the worst.

I'm counting the days till Cocktober 23rd. Julia Murney at Birdland makes me scarily, insanely happy. I danced when I heard, then again after we made the reservation. Dana was watching Reba's sitcom earlier (that's right ho, I outed you on that) and I sang Fancy and I am not ashamed.

I owe MANY people recordings, CDs, email, and visits, and I am aware of it. I don't know what the fuck I do with my time, but I promise I am working on following up on all of it.

My parents' 29th wedding anniversary was Sunday and I didn't call home. Oops. The scary part is that I remember their 25th like it was yesterday. I already lived in New York then... time flies.


My girlfriend is hot. Exhibit A:

dana is wicked: i went into virgin megastore
dana is wicked: and asked the guy at the register if they were hiring
dana is wicked: so he looks me up and down, i'm not even joking, it was so outright
dana is wicked: and goes "yup."

Is he a pig? Yup.
Does it amuse me anyway? Yup.


I want Lieberman to lose.

I'm starving and really tired of soy nuts.

I need to go pick up cells.
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procrastinating [Jul. 19th, 2006|01:35 pm]
fragilefumbling
[Current Location |lab]
[mood |exhaustedexhausted]
[music |gone away from me - ray lamontagne]

Today upon arriving at work I found out that a manuscript that we thought was well on its way to being published is likely to be rejected. It got assigned different reviewers this time around who found a whole new set of things to gripe about. Do you ever find yourself on a sinking ship and you're trying desperately to jump off and get to shore but your incompetent captain has you wasting time bailing it out with a bucket instead, meanwhile the wind is blowing you further from shore?

Yes, I may be watching too many pirate movies lately. But the point is, this lab is a big, fat lead weight around my ankles, for so many reasons.

I have my first job interview on Tuesday, and I'm thrown off because I'm not even all that nervous. It could have something to do with the fact that it's my fifth choice out of five, and I'm not all that sure anymore what I found so appealing about it in the first place. Like when you buy something you think is really cute at the store and then you get it home and think, why the hell did I just spend money on that? It's kind of like that. (I'm all about analogies today.) BUT, I am in no position to be turning down job interviews, so I will go and try to kick ass.

The use of the word "first" in that last paragraph was optimistic. All five of the people to whom I sent cover letters wrote back and expressed interest in meeting with me. For the remaining four, I've sent them all further information... and thus far heard nothing. I know people are busy, but... what do I do now? Because if I knew they were no longer interested I could easily accept that and go ahead and start writing to my next five choices, but I don't want to rush into that and be juggling more than five job prospects. I was prepared for rejection and I am prepared to go start interviewing, but I was not prepared for an initial burst of activity and then a long wait. I'm trying to be zen, but's slightly murderous. I don't take no news as good news in this case, but I don't want to be a pest and send too many follow-up emails to busy busy scientists. Also, probably ultimatums are a bad thing. "So are you interested or WHAT?" wouldn't go over very well, I'm thinking.

I've been having trouble sleeping. I found a new yoga studio and bought ten classes but can't find time or energy to go.

On the bright side, Dana found me the new Ray LaMontagne album almost six whole weeks early, and it's amaaaaaazing. I'm also nurturing two minor obsessions - Marc Broussard and Johnny Depp, if you must know - and it keeps my brain from being completely occupied by stress. That, and the fact that I don't live in Lebanon or Java, which is always good for perspective.
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