||[Sep. 28th, 2006|02:55 pm]
|||||walk to dublin - tori amos||]|
Happy birthday Naomi.
I've never in my life been the type of person to look back on the past and think, "Boy, things sure were simpler then. I wish I could go back to when life was easier and I could be less of a grownup." I have never been one to relate to that dumbass Avenue Q song about going back to college. There has most certainly been a general upward trend in my level of happiness and success as I've moved through the years, and I would never go back to the drama-filled, confusion-laden, and less liberated days of my high school years, college years, or even my mid-20's. Right now at 28, I know myself better than ever, and in many ways I have everything in the world to look forward to. I have my pick of not just good jobs, but potentially GREAT ones. I have found someone that I want to live with and love for the rest of my life.
But fuck... I'm tired. I am tired, and I would like a break. I want to get off the train at this station for a while so I can catch my breath. Job interviews, publishing manuscripts, preparing to defend my thesis, trying to decide where to go next that will set the best course for the rest of my life... none of that is small potatoes. Not to mention constant tension, every day, with my boss over when I can begin the extrication of my life from his, and all the while he is not paying me because he has no money. I'm holding my breath right now over so many things.
My living situation, as some of you know, is complicated, and I have that on my mind as well. I feel like I'm trying to make so many decisions and plans at once that my brain is going to short circuit. I've been fighting some mild depression these last few weeks... some of it comes from physical illness, since I've had a pretty persistent bug, but a lot of it comes from tension, anticipation, guilt.
I crave family, but two of the most important people in my life don't seem to like each other and I'm squarely in the middle, unable to decide what's best for all of us. (And oddly enough, I'm not talking about my current and my ex girlfriends, even though the three of us live in the same house, cause they get along great.) I'm reaching a breaking point where I may very soon not give a shit about any of it, that maybe the best thing for me is to try not to help anyone.
I have two more interviews lined up and after that it's decision time. I need to spend a week in bed staring at the walls to process it all.
And before that, I need to spend the next month at home, writing. I need to be out of this atmosphere for a while. So. Fucking. Tired.